My mind has been all over the map today. Truth is, I’ve been at war with my mind quite heavily the last week or so. Without all the blah blah blah, I’ve come to one conclusion: I tie my worth to things that I shouldn’t tie my worth to.
I tie my worth to my weight/size.
I tie my worth to my education.
I tie my worth to my poor financial standing.
I tie my worth to my spiritual growth compared to other’s spiritual growth.
I tie my worth to my past, even well after I’m sure I don’t any longer.
I tie my worth to my disorganization.
There are many other “things”, but that’s off the top of my head. Perhaps I’ll tackle one point one day at a time.
My weight/size. Today, and since yesterday, I am dreading having to leave my house to partake in, what is supposed to be, fun Canada Day celebrations. It’s boiling hot outside today and all I can think about is hot, black, sticky, sweaty clothes clinging to my fat, disgusting body. The only options I see here are to either wear my black jacket that hides a multitude of sins and sweat to death, all the while deflecting questions of why I don’t just take my jacket off, or stay home and avoid the whole thing.
I have no idea what it’s like to feel comfortable in my body. These days the scale is steady at 172.5 lbs. The biggest I’ve ever been. Even at my lowest of 127 lbs, I would still tug at my shirt or adjust my pants or push my shoulders forward or back, sit with my arms crisscrossing my stomach, trying to hide the physical things about myself that I absolutely hate. I can’t win in this skin. As much as I want to start running again and lose this weight and get back in shape, it feels entirely pointless because my mind won’t catch up. It never ever has. I don’t know if it ever will. I’m big, and so I feel worthless. I am embarrassed when anybody looks at me. It’s hard being honest about this, or any of the dark, self-loathing self-talk that accompanies me everywhere I go, but it’s a lot easier when I don’t have anybody lying to my face in an attempt to assuage my words and feelings. Anyway, Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians. I went straightedge in December, so someone have a few pints for me xo