I’m not sure how else to say it. I am happy exactly as I am. I am happy exactly the way my life is and what it’s shaping into. I have absolutely ZERO interest in sharing myself or my life with another person. I have an extremely EXTREMELY narrow window of expectations (more like NON-expectations) that one would have to crawl through in order for me to even vaguely half consider letting them in. And even at that, I like that window being sealed shut.
I am asexual. And I am so ok with that.
I’m so over trying to fit into a mould I was never comfortable in. I never want to have to explain myself to anyone. I cannot handle ever having to ask someone what their wants and needs are and seeing if they align with mine. My time is my own, my space is my own, my body is my own, my happiness is my own. I am not ok with any person having any need or desire for my body to satisfy or validate theirs. I have NEVER been ok with it. I’m sure this is because I have no need or desire for someone else’s body, time, or attention either. Which is great! There are these annoying stipulations that come attached to relationships. Sex. Romance. And even in the absence of romance, there’s still that gooey bullshit. Gross. Relationships feel like chains to me. I’ve always HATED “romance” and I’ve never shied away from being vocal on that fact. But my entire life I’ve lived with this belief that something is wrong with me. True, the beginning of a relationship is usually pretty great, the idea that someone actually enjoys being around me, but I have certain boundaries that I’ll never be able to erase, I don’t even WANT to erase, and it’s always going to be a problem for anyone who thinks they want to love me. It’s never NOT been a problem.
I’ve come to accept and realize that I’m not actually broken. This is just the way I am and I’ve never been happier or more confident knowing and finally understanding myself. I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not resentful. I’m free. I’m free of everything that’s ever hurt me or distracted me or confused me or made me feel less-than, including myself. This has always been me, and I figured it out when I stopped fighting myself trying to be something and someone I’m not.
I wish I could just announce this to the world. I’m actually scared to. Talking about sex has always made me uncomfortable, and telling someone about my complete disinterest in sex feels just as awkward. I guess it’s something I can keep to myself, unless faced with some poor soul who thinks they want more from me than a really great friendship. Sorry, Man. Woman. Whoever. That’s not how I roll. But thanks for playing! Asexual pirate does not want your booty! 😅🤓